My 90 days break from life

Yesterday I finished my 90 days of unemployment. When I resigned this Jan I was more happier then I was worried about future in this economic crisis.  It was my long time desire  to free myself from all responsibilities so that I can think clearly  about million of thoughts running in my mind related to all spheres of life.  I was going through what they call as mid-career crisis. Though I had a respectable and lucrative job I wanted something more. Time was running fast and I need to resolve career puzzle before I took other responsibilities of  life. My company was in bad shape from last eighteen months and I had strong  intuitions  that my  future with this company over. I want to plan my next career move. I saw my resignation as an opportunity then a threat.

It took me a month  to unclutter my mind and  to start thinking clearly about  ideas I always wanted to think about. Unfortunately 99 % of million ideas vaporized even before I start thinking as if they never exist and  I was left with were some really hard decisions to make. To be frank , in my last 4.5 years in industry  I was able to identify  what I don’t wanted to be, but was never able to answer pertinent  questions of  “what I want to be” or  ” what is my strengths”. One reason could be that fact that I was always in hurry to make future  happen. I start thinking on my next move before I finish my last one. This time I did  not want to  repeat same mistake.

Another realization that I had is that  job satisfaction is a myth. People were happy and satisfied with their  jobs because they don’t give it a damn. Very few people actually manage their career actively and of those most were fresh graduates from elite schools .  Rest of them bank on  time , experience and ability to love what they got accidentally. They treat their work  as business and business is impersonal. It was quite contrary to passion and doing-things-you-love mantras  you read in  all management bestselsers  and biographies. I end up spending too much  time and energy in filling this gap of what I experienced in my career and what I was  reading in books. Later I realized that organizational hierarchy is a pyramidal and and there  are very few seat on the top.  Fight for those positions is very fierce and no just function of your abilities and hard work. Lot more is involved and most of us  are too honest, naive and friendly to get into this competition.  I also realized how unprepared I am for this competition and that stakes are very high. I have to develop focus and work extremely hard if I want to be there else I have start loving whatever I have.  Both seem equally daunting tasks. I have not done any focused hard work since my IIT JEE preparation. Once again I will be fighting  with two  immortals,  time and human fallibility’s.

This break also gave me an  opportunity to look into other spheres of my  life. I realized that I am getting younger anymore and need emotional support. From past 10+ years I am living  life of a nomad, religiously following my goal to make a career and name for myself. I never allowed myself to be distracted by other human needs and pleasures of life. I have been very private person who is extremely choosy in making relationships of any kind . I made selected friends in college , post college they got busy with their own  life and families;  some  got married other got  committed. Sometimes I really miss the intellectual and liberating fun I  had in hostel. Now its hard to find or make friends. Even if you are able to make few its very hard to keep them up, sometime they change company, sometime I have to. Now I find  hard  to suppress emotional  desires to be with someone and but I know  finding that ‘someone ‘ will be   equally hard and competitive as my career puzzle. I am happy that at least I am  able  to release and accept this need. I am planing to keep my family with me . My parents are getting older and need my care & attention especially my mom. Fortunately they are most humble parent anyone  can have and I am free from unwarranted expectations.

Now soon I  will be starting a new cycle and new phase of my life. I understand stakes are high and have to work extremely hard for next two years ( this is the time I have given to myself before I put my anchors and let accidents drive my life).

That’s life, that’s what all the people say.
You’re riding high in April,
Shot down in May
But I know I’m gonna change that tune,
When I’m back on top, back on top in June.

I said that’s life, and as funny as it may seem
Some people get their kicks,
Stompin’ on a dream
But I don’t let it, let it get me down,
‘Cause this fine ol’ world it keeps spinning around

I’ve been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate,
A poet, a pawn and a king.

I’ve been up and down and over and out
And I know one thing:
Each time I find myself, flat on my face,
I pick myself up and get back in the race.

That’s life
I tell ya, I can’t deny it,
I thought of quitting baby,
But my heart just ain’t gonna buy it.
And if I didn’t think it was worth one single try,
I’d jump right on a big bird and then I’d fly

I’ve been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate,
A poet, a pawn and a king.
I’ve been up and down and over and out
And I know one thing:
Each time I find myself laying flat on my face,
I just pick myself up and get back in the race

That’s life
That’s life and I can’t deny it
Many times I thought of cutting out
But my heart won’t buy it

But if there’s nothing shakin’ come this here july
I’m gonna roll myself up in a big ball and die
My, My

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5 Comments »

  1. Very touching and very detailed log of your life! It is true that when you compare your life with normal people, they feel to be so happy about everything they have and you still sometimes feel sad.

    Good luck with whatever you are planning ahead!

  2. Piyush said

    Is this for real , or are just a metaphor .?

  3. Sun Yi said

    Congrats – and I wish I could do that myself.
    But due to my ever growing moutain of debt, I just can’t take a day off work…

    Good luck.

  4. Well written. However would have been better with a little re-structuring.

    • Ashis said

      Nice. Crisply written. Thoughts oscillate between a bit of nostalgia and a bit of narcissism. I remembered someone once telling ….’With this concentration he removed the final veils of ignorance from his mind and in the next moment became a Buddha, a fully enlightened being.”… that’s a way go.. ..make us spell bound in the next one too…

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