Yesterday I finished my 90 days of unemployment. When I resigned this Jan I was more happier then I was worried about future in this economic crisis. It was my long time desire to free myself from all responsibilities so that I can think clearly about million of thoughts running in my mind related to all spheres of life. I was going through what they call as mid-career crisis. Though I had a respectable and lucrative job I wanted something more. Time was running fast and I need to resolve career puzzle before I took other responsibilities of life. My company was in bad shape from last eighteen months and I had strong intuitions that my future with this company over. I want to plan my next career move. I saw my resignation as an opportunity then a threat.
It took me a month to unclutter my mind and to start thinking clearly about ideas I always wanted to think about. Unfortunately 99 % of million ideas vaporized even before I start thinking as if they never exist and I was left with were some really hard decisions to make. To be frank , in my last 4.5 years in industry I was able to identify what I don’t wanted to be, but was never able to answer pertinent questions of “what I want to be” or ” what is my strengths”. One reason could be that fact that I was always in hurry to make future happen. I start thinking on my next move before I finish my last one. This time I did not want to repeat same mistake.
Another realization that I had is that job satisfaction is a myth. People were happy and satisfied with their jobs because they don’t give it a damn. Very few people actually manage their career actively and of those most were fresh graduates from elite schools . Rest of them bank on time , experience and ability to love what they got accidentally. They treat their work as business and business is impersonal. It was quite contrary to passion and doing-things-you-love mantras you read in all management bestselsers and biographies. I end up spending too much time and energy in filling this gap of what I experienced in my career and what I was reading in books. Later I realized that organizational hierarchy is a pyramidal and and there are very few seat on the top. Fight for those positions is very fierce and no just function of your abilities and hard work. Lot more is involved and most of us are too honest, naive and friendly to get into this competition. I also realized how unprepared I am for this competition and that stakes are very high. I have to develop focus and work extremely hard if I want to be there else I have start loving whatever I have. Both seem equally daunting tasks. I have not done any focused hard work since my IIT JEE preparation. Once again I will be fighting with two immortals, time and human fallibility’s.
This break also gave me an opportunity to look into other spheres of my life. I realized that I am getting younger anymore and need emotional support. From past 10+ years I am living life of a nomad, religiously following my goal to make a career and name for myself. I never allowed myself to be distracted by other human needs and pleasures of life. I have been very private person who is extremely choosy in making relationships of any kind . I made selected friends in college , post college they got busy with their own life and families; some got married other got committed. Sometimes I really miss the intellectual and liberating fun I had in hostel. Now its hard to find or make friends. Even if you are able to make few its very hard to keep them up, sometime they change company, sometime I have to. Now I find hard to suppress emotional desires to be with someone and but I know finding that ’someone ‘ will be equally hard and competitive as my career puzzle. I am happy that at least I am able to release and accept this need. I am planing to keep my family with me . My parents are getting older and need my care & attention especially my mom. Fortunately they are most humble parent anyone can have and I am free from unwarranted expectations.
Now soon I will be starting a new cycle and new phase of my life. I understand stakes are high and have to work extremely hard for next two years ( this is the time I have given to myself before I put my anchors and let accidents drive my life).
That’s life, that’s what all the people say.
You’re riding high in April,
Shot down in May
But I know I’m gonna change that tune,
When I’m back on top, back on top in June.
I said that’s life, and as funny as it may seem
Some people get their kicks,
Stompin’ on a dream
But I don’t let it, let it get me down,
‘Cause this fine ol’ world it keeps spinning around
I’ve been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate,
A poet, a pawn and a king.
I’ve been up and down and over and out
And I know one thing:
Each time I find myself, flat on my face,
I pick myself up and get back in the race.
That’s life
I tell ya, I can’t deny it,
I thought of quitting baby,
But my heart just ain’t gonna buy it.
And if I didn’t think it was worth one single try,
I’d jump right on a big bird and then I’d fly
I’ve been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate,
A poet, a pawn and a king.
I’ve been up and down and over and out
And I know one thing:
Each time I find myself laying flat on my face,
I just pick myself up and get back in the race
That’s life
That’s life and I can’t deny it
Many times I thought of cutting out
But my heart won’t buy it
But if there’s nothing shakin’ come this here july
I’m gonna roll myself up in a big ball and die
My, My
